Monday, June 6, 2011

The Rooster Crows

I'm blogging... Chad must be out of town. It seems like that's the only time that I venture into the quietness of my kitchen to sit down and attempt to update our life over here in our corner of the world, to those of you who check in.

Chad is gone for a few days, and right now--at the end of the day--I'm struggling with being the mom I want to be and being the mom I actually am. Summer has, paradoxically, been a mixture of relaxation at a whirlwind speed. With the girls not taking naps anymore, I feel like the days--as lazy as some of our days are-- are nonetheless full. I don't think that I've quite gotten used to being "on" for 12 straight hours. I feel like I can have some really meaningful, quality time with the kids--the girls in particular-- followed by a scolding. In a time frame of 12 hours, this cycle is repeated...repeatedly. Being the worrier that I am, the scoldings sit much heavier on my mind and seem to outweigh the "quality time." I often wonder if it feels the same for the kids or if, because they are kids and kids need to be scolded, reprimands are more of just an expectation of childhood.

I feel like I had one of those days where I was just counting down the hours until bedtime... trying my best to manage, control, deputy, and corral. Nothing bad, nothing sad, just not enjoying the presence of my kids. Now, as they all lie sleeping, I want nothing more than to wake them up and love on them. Notice I said wake them up...I want them to realize and remember that I'm loving on them because I feel like I am lacking in that category, now that the day is done and the tallies are being made in my mind.

I guess that the beauty of motherhood--parenthood-- is that you continue to get chances. The kids will wake up with the same eagerness to attack the day; the same willingness to give me a clean slate; the same loyalty to love me because I am 'Mama'. I pray right now that I can greet tomorrow morning with the same expectations and know that the best medicine for a regret-filled night is simply my spoken "I love you".

1 comment:

Cort said...

oh karin~ i feel like this all the time. it's an awful feeling. with all the reprimanding i do, i still struggle with it's effectiveness, because the behaviors i am trying to change usually don't. i know it's necessity but that doesn't make the day feel any shorter or my guilt any lighter. i KNOW what a good mommy you are, i have witnessed it in you and in your children. hang in there. we love you so much~